Why Stuff Gets Lost and Why God Doesn’t Answer All Prayers – Interdependence

Remember when you were a kid, and you lost something?  Did you ever seek divine intervention to find your stuff?

Sometimes I wonder if losing stuff is God’s way of letting us know that we need Him, but we still have to take action to find it.  Several years ago, one of my sons lost his Nintendo Gameboy.  He came to me and asked for help.  I asked if he had looked for it already.  He said he had.  I asked if he said a little prayer to find it and he replied, “Yes, but it didn’t work.”  We set out on our little Gameboy hunt.  Fifteen minutes into our hunt we found that Badboy (the Gameboy that is) in his brothers’ bedroom.

Why didn’t God just show my son where to find his toy when he prayed?  Why doesn’t God just answer all prayers right when we offer them?  I believe it has to do with our interdependence with God.  In defining prayer, The Bible Dictionary states, “The object of prayer is not to change the will of God but to secure for ourselves and for others blessings that God is already willing to grant but that are made conditional on our asking for them. Blessings require some work or effort on our part before we can obtain them. Prayer is a form of work and is an appointed means for obtaining the highest of all blessings.”  If God answered every prayer upon offering, would we not become completely dependent upon God and cease to play a role in our own development?  We would not have the privilege of choosing God any more than we would choose not to breathe.  God’s plan is to let us grow through our own choices.  He let’s us choose.

Sometimes praying for simple blessings might seem childish blessings and somewhat juvenile.  Yet never praying would foster the pride and detachment that defines toxic independence of God and our fellow men.  Consider this example from my life this week:  Much of my work each day involves talking on the phone with people I am privileged to work with across five states.  I speak on my phone a lot.  I have a little hands free device that allows me to put my phone down, while speaking and listening.  It looks like this:

Motorola H730

I use that little thing a lot – several hours every week.  I lost it a few weeks ago.  I’ve looked for it everywhere I could think:  in my car, in my office, in my home, in each of my suit pockets, in all my pants pockets, in my computer case.  I couldn’t find it.  I was beginning to think I would need to buy a replacement.  It compromises my effectiveness and work efficiency to be without it.  I have to use ear buds that get all tangled up instead, or (heaven forbid) actually hold the phone up to my ear.

Wednesday night during my evening prayer, I felt to pray to find it.  The next day I was at a conference and looked in my “backup” computer case.  What do you think I found?  That’s right.  There it was.  Was it divine intervention?  I can honestly tell you that I used the case the day before as well and didn’t notice the device in there at all.  You be the judge.  I’m not saying God put it there, but I am wondering if maybe I wasn’t given a little extra help to see things I hadn’t seen before.

Why does stuff get lost?  Perhaps it’s God’s way of reminding us that we need Him; that we are interdependent, not independent of Him.  Why doesn’t he answer our prayers?  Maybe because we wouldn’t become what He wants us to become if we didn’t exert effort, exercise agency and choose to seek and follow Him.  While dependent upon Him for many things, we can’t be commanded or given ALL things.  We are interdependent with Him.

Interdependence is the “I” in the BIG Secret.  Interdependence enables us to become our best self and to find the things money can’t buy.

“Because of Him” – We are Interdependent

Have you ever had a challenge that you could not overcome by yourself?  When I was young, I had severe allergies and asthma.  I was often miserable, but grew to anticipate and prepare for it.  I had developed certain ways to cope with and manage my symptoms.  Some medications were helpful.  Some were not so helpful and had side effects.  I would occasionally use a humidifier when I would get a dry cough.  I learned that lying down made it difficult to breathe.  I adapted by sleeping elevated in a beanbag chair.  I learned that cold compresses or cool washcloths would sooth itchy eyes.

As fall approached one year, I had a severe asthma attack.  I couldn’t shake it.  All the normal things I did to cope just didn’t work.  My mom took me to see a doctor several times, but it just kept coming back.  During the last of those doctor visits, the physician asked to speak with my mother outside the room I was in.  My mother later told me that she was advised that they would try one last procedure and then hospitalize me if I didn’t respond.  He came back in with a big ol’ needle and told me it was an adrenaline shot.  He wanted to see if he could get my heart pumping fast enough to give my lungs a little jump start.  That shot hurt like crazy going it, but it did the trick!  Within minutes, I started to breathe easier.  I was thrilled and relieved.

We left his office and returned home.  Within minutes of returning home, the adrenaline wore off, and my symptoms came back with a vengeance!  It was late Friday night and we couldn’t contact the doctor.  Nothing was working and my parents were desperate.

My father called a neighbor and together they anointed my head with consecrated olive oil and by the authority of the Melchizedek priesthood (Christ’s authority, given to worthy men act his name – See Hebrews 7) gave me a blessing of health.  The results were truly miraculous.  For the first time in weeks, I slept through the night.  The next morning, my soccer team had a game.  Even though my mom would not let me play, I went and ran around the field at half time.  I had no other symptoms for the remainder of that year.

That experience made me realize there are things we cannot overcome by ourselves.  We need others to minister to us and we need God’s influence in our lives.  All of us have mortal challenges and weaknesses that require assistance from others.  As mentioned in a previous post (“I Need to Be Self-Reliant” see below) self-reliance invites interdependence with others.  We cannot become entirely dependent upon others, but must recognize that none of us is completely independent either.  We need each other and we need divine help.

As we remember Jesus Christ’s atoning sacrifice and resurrection this Easter season, we are reminded that He surpassed all things in our behalf.  He specifically overcame two things that we cannot conquer by ourselves: physical death (the separation of our spirit and body) and spiritual death (our separation from God due to our sins).  There are many challenges that exceed our own strength and thus invite interdependence with others, especially God.  He gave His only begotten Son that we might overcome all things.  Christ’s sacrifice is the ultimate example or “type” of self-reliance or “interdependence.”  Interdependence is the “I” in the BIG secret.  Like the apostle Paul, I declare that “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.”  (Philippians 4:13)

Please take two three minutes and watch the video clip that reminds us of what is possible “Because of Him.”

Things Money Can’t Buy – Thai Version!

No written post this week as I’m getting more time with another son this weekend.

A few of you have sent this video to me as it reminded you of this blog. Thanks for your kindness and considerate sharing. It fits right in!

I hope you all enjoy the message!

I’m still trying to reach 200 responses to this one question survey. If you have not yet done so, please take 10 seconds and respond.

One of those who kindly shared this video with me is blogging at despairtodeliverance.com She shares an interesting story. Take a peek if you need to fill the reading void this weekend! 🙂

Also, please remember Jim Wilhelmsen in your prayers. He’s a friend and blog follower who was recently diagnosed with cancer. Faith and prayer – something money can’ t buy, right?

Thanks for following.

Hey, what happened last week?

As we continue a discussion on “balance,” you may have noticed that I did not post last week. Some have asked me what happened.  My response is that sometimes the most important examples are not written, but lived. I had to balance my desire to write with my desire to spend time with my youngest son. Thus I spent time with him last weekend at an 11-year-old Boy Scout camp. I had a great time. Due to some significant demands on my time, I do not get to spend a lot of one-on-one time with my sons. The campout with my son helped us to maintain balance in our relationship.

How do you maintain balance in your life? What are the different dimensions of your life that require your time and attention? I would like to identify various aspects of our life that often demand care and consideration. This list is not comprehensive and you will likely identify other important dimensions of your own life.

Interpersonal  – the first three dimensions involve our relationships with others.

Spiritual – our relationship with God.

Social Intimate – our relationships with our closest confidants. This typically constitutes family, marital, and closest friendships.

Social Support – our relationships with friends, neighbors, colleagues, and others. Some would consider their relationships with pets is an important part of this dimension.

Intra-personal – the next five dimensions involve aspects of our individual self.

Behavioral – the ability to live free of addiction or other problematic behavior.

Emotional – the ability to experience the full range of emotion and to manage behavior in the presence of strong emotion; the ability to experience positive emotion and to resolve unwanted distress or negative emotion.

Intellectual – the ability to learn, acquire intelligence, and integrate new information in an adaptive manner.

Mental – the ability to think flexibly and to determine which principles, rules, or guidelines might apply in various situations.

Coping – the ability to solve problems and to deal with life’s stressors; the ability to prevent or minimize stress in the future.

Temporal – the last three dimensions have to do with our tangible, physical world.

Financial – the ability to provide the necessities of life and to meet one’s obligations; the ability to live within one’s means.

Physical/Health – the ability to maintain physical wellness and to minimize sickness and disease.

Environmental – the ability to live in harmony with one’s environment and to maintain safety and shelter from the elements; the ability to conserve nature and to reasonably preserve natural resources.

One of life’s greatest challenges is to have the wisdom to balance the different dimensions of one’s life. Rarely is one in a state of perfect balance, and it is necessary to make adjustments day-to-day week-to- week and year-to-year. It is not uncommon to find ourselves out of balance. We occasionally sacrifice that which we want most for that which we want in the moment. Our lives are often comparable to a buffet of choices, and we often overextend ourselves in one area at the expense of another. Some of the most important choices we make are to say no to things that we might want.

One helpful strategy to maintain balance is to engage in activities that meet multiple needs. For example, when my family first moved to Arizona several years ago from Georgia my body clock was three hours ahead and had not adjusted to the time zone changes. In addition I had to conduct some business in Georgia by phone early one morning. While my family was still asleep I woke up and needed to have a conversation with a colleague. That morning I went outside and went for a walk while I had my conversation with a colleague. From then on I developed a habit of going on a daily walk with my wife. For the past several years we have walked almost every day together. I have found that these walks meet my social – intimate needs, emotional needs and physical health needs. They often meet other needs as well, depending on the topics of our conversations.

When one dimension of our lives requires so much time, energy, and attention that other dimensions are impoverished, we are in a state of imbalance. Thus I did not post last week as I attempted to meet my son’s needs for parental attention and time.

Can you think of other dimensions of your life that need time, energy, and attention? What are your habits or patterns in your life that help you maintain balance? Please ponder and share.

Money Talks… But Monolingualism is Misery

Money talks. Why is money such an effective communicator?  It says a lot about what you do, your habits, your life mission, and your priorities.  As long as people use the dollar as their monetary frame of reference, they typically will share an understanding about the value of a particular good or service. Shared understanding equals effective communication!  Money does indeed talk… or at least communicate.  But it does not tell the whole story, and it typically only speaks one language – the language of transacting goods and services.

People are more than transactors, however.  There are many other important dimensions to our lives.  We often resent being defined in one dimension, especially when that dimension is temporal wealth.  Such pursuit seems shallow and often hollow.  People are far more profound, deep, and complex than the simple and obvious monetary dimension.

I learned this one night as a sophomore in college.  I was a resident assistant in a men’s dormitory on campus and was “on duty.”  That meant I had to stay in the dorm and be available to other residents.  An acquaintance from church asked to come over with his friend to visit me that night, and I agreed.

When they arrived at my dorm room, two of my friends were visiting me.  One friend, Trevor, was an incredibly gifted young man who had a brain tumor removed in his youth.  He had some obvious disabilities that often masked his giftedness.  He was seated in his wheelchair parked in the doorway.  When the two visitors arrived, they maneuvered around Trevor and began talking to my other friend and me.

The guest whom I had never met previously drew three pyramids that consisted of nine circles each – a row of three, beneath a row of two, beneath one.  He asked me what I saw.  Without knowing why he was there nor the purpose of his visit, I spontaneously replied, “It looks like a pyramid scheme to me.”  He didn’t react and began to ask my other friend and me several questions:  “How would you like an extra $50,000 a year?  How would you like to own a boat, an RV, and travel to as many places as you would like?  How would you like to be independently wealthy?”  I listened to their proposal and learned that they were seeking my participation in a multilevel marketing enterprise.  While fascinated by the opportunities, I realized it was not for me.  It just didn’t fit.

Why not?  I believe one reason is that the conversation was hollow and empty.  The two people making the proposal only spoke in one language:  Money.  I didn’t seek them out; they sought me out.  They didn’t seem to value us as people.  It did not go unnoticed that they said nothing to my friend with disabilities.  Our interaction was void of anything intellectually stimulating, spiritually refining, personally interesting, or anything else.  It was a base conversation focused on one thing: money.  I didn’t have much to do with the proposers from then on.  In fact, I felt to stay away from them.  It felt awkward to have someone whom I perceived as a fellow church attender convert our relationship to that of a client.

I have no problem with multilevel marketers per se.  I had a neighbor who made his living working such an enterprise.  He was very wise and didn’t bring it up with me unless I brought it up with him in the natural context of our friendship.  We were good friends when we were neighbors and remain so today.  I have observed others who, unfortunately, use their social network (friends, family, colleagues, fellow church members, etc.) as a means build their business.  Unwittingly, their social network is converted into a clientele.  The unfortunate result is social bankruptcy.  Money speaks, but it also corrupts relationships.  Money is an artificial social bond and can canker or expel the other natural relationship sustaining elements:  love, compassion, service, sacrifice, commonalities, mission, purpose, shared interest, etc.  When the basis of a relationship is limited to transactions, those relationships rarely endure when transactions terminate unless other naturally occurring relationship qualities are also present.  Introducing the artificial bond of money into a relationship can complicate things.  Other parties in the relationship may begin to wonder if you are really their friend or if transactions and secondary gain are really the basis for your association.  Money can put a relationship out of balance.

In order to avoid such imbalance, I am not suggesting that people avoid doing business with their social network.  Just keep it balanced by considering the following when your social network and personal enterprise cross paths:

1)  Don’t propose business or transactions unless the other party asks you about it.  Declining an offer from friends and family is often awkward and uncomfortable.  It’s normal to talk about things in your life with those who know and care about you.  It’s also understandable to advertise your business on your website, blog, or Facebook page.  Just don’t propose business to your social network.

2)  Make it explicitly clear that the natural relationship is not dependent upon the business relationship.  Genuine relationships don’t involve secondary gain for either party.  Every time you do a transaction remind the others that your relationship is in no way contingent upon your business relationship.  It can’t be repeated enough when doing business.

3)  Treat people first and foremost as people.  Don’t treat them as objects, means to an end (especially money), or a stepping stone to something else.  Doing so creates a sense that they are being used.  Don’t be a user.

4)  Focus on and talk about things other than your personal enterprise with your social network.  Be multilingual – let other dimensions of your life talk.  (A future post will address how to do this.)  If all you talk about is your business, chances are strong that your social network is becoming more clientele than comrades.  Remember:  Business Bankrupts Buddy-ness.

As mentioned in a previous post, there is more to life than a paycheck or money.  An exclusive pursuit of a paycheck can put other things out of balance in our lives.  The need to provide and make a living is such a consistent challenge that it can consume many other dimensions of our lives.  Do your best to balance and give voice to the many different dimensions in your life.  Balance is indeed the B in the BIG Secret.  Each of our needs has it’s own language.  Don’t let money be the only language you speak.  Indeed balance your need to make a living with equally important needs for the things money can’t buy.

Please “Like,” “Share,” and “Follow.”

If you have not yet done so, please take 10 seconds and share one thing money can’t buy at the following link:  https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/thingsmoneycantbuy 

What is the BIG Secret?

The truth about the BIG Secret is that it is not really big in the literal sense, but it is a nice acronym.  And although it is contrary to common wealth seeking approaches, it is not necessarily secretive to many wise people, including many Latter-day Saints.  It is a secret in the sense that it runs counter to conventional and common approaches to happiness and wealth.  It is rooted in Latter-day Saint doctrine, or simple truths, yet its application is not limited to the Latter-day Saint life.  People all over the world exemplify the blessings of the BIG Secret as they apply these truths, knowingly or unknowingly, that are part of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ.

The BIG Secret is an “uncommon sense” approach rooted in simple truths, including the fact that wealth is more than money.  These truths foster a self-reliant, self-governed, principled life.  As you read and apply the principles in this blog (and possibly a book in the future), you will discover scientifically proven approaches to happiness as you apply the BIG Secret.  Specific examples and applications will be shared.  The BIG Secret is a simple, yet broadly applied formula that is universally relevant to individuals, families, teams, businesses and organizations.   It is a guide to help Latter-day Saints and others find self-reliance, increased “net worth,” and things money can’t buy.  As you read, you may notice alignment with the counsel and corresponding promises found in the Latter-day Saint scriptures.

Undoing the Paradox

A paradox is a truth that seems self-contradictory.  The traditional view of self-reliance is a bit of a paradox.  As noted in a previous post, I did not fully understand the truth of self-reliance when I focused on the literal meaning of the word:  relying on the self.  It is indeed about the self, but not entirely.  It is indeed about relying upon one’s personal effort and contribution, but not entirely.  It took some prayerful pondering to undo my original understanding and to expand awareness of the truths of self-reliance and things money can’t buy.  That original understanding was that self-reliance is about temporal things, primarily providing for the self and his/her family.  The paradox was that the more one focuses on the self, temporal things, and money the more impoverished, less wealthy and less self-reliant one becomes.

Consider the example of Eli Herring.  Growing up in Utah, it was a rarity to be exposed to an elite athlete.  Eli was one of those rarities.  I first noticed Eli in junior high school when he was listed as 8th grade state record holder in the shot put and discus.  He was also an elite football player.  Although I never competed against him, it was no surprise that he was listed as a top football recruit for my graduating class.  Although offered scholarships by several major universities, he ultimately signed with Brigham Young University.

After his freshman year he served as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormon) in Salta Argentina.  While on his mission he was thoroughly impressed by a Tahitian professional soccer player who sacrificed his professional career after converting to Mormonism. The value of money was also called into question as he watched the value of the Argentine currency deflate significantly during his two year mission.  When he arrived in Argentina, the United States dollar was worth about 15 australs.  By the end of his mission, it was worth about 10,000 australs.  The value of money was noted to be very relative and unpredictable.

Eli resumed his football career at Brigham Young University upon returning from his mission.  He was an All-Conference performer and was rated as a top prospect in the National Football League (NFL in the United States of America) draft in 1995, and it was anticipated he would be drafted in the first three rounds.  Eli faced a dilemma because most professional football games are played on Sunday, which he honored as the Sabbath.  While not judging others decisions to play on the Sabbath, Eli felt it inappropriate for him to do so.  The scriptures teach that the Sabbath blesses us and keeps us in balance.  He chose to forego a career in the NFL and notified all NFL teams that he would not play on Sunday.  The Oakland Raiders however chose to take a chance on him and drafted him in the 5th round.  They offered him a 3 year contract worth $1.5 million.  He declined, choosing instead to begin a teaching a coaching career at a public high school with a starting annual salary of $22,000.

Eli sacrificed a huge contract that would have paid him in three years more than he will likely make during his entire life outside of the NFL.  Why?  Because the value of the Sabbath and the balance that it introduces in our lives is something the NFL’s money can’t buy.  Eli’s observance of the Sabbath and his ability to balance his financial needs with his physical, social, emotional, and spiritual needs are a great example of the “B” in the BIG Secret:  Balance.

What does balance look like and how might I know if I am in balance?  That will be the subject in future posts, but I would really appreciate your perspective about maintaining balance in your own life.  What does balance mean to you and how do you maintain balance in your own life?  Please share by replying to this post.  Please share this blog with others and invite them to share as well.

If you have not yet done so, please click here to share briefly your perspective on things money can’t buy.

Is there more to life than a paycheck?

Is there more to life than a paycheck?  While important to provide for oneself and family, it is also important to balance temporal needs with other needs (spiritual, social, emotional, health, etc.).  I learned this lesson in my own home when I was quite young.  My father served as a scoutmaster in the Boy Scouts when I was young.  He was dedicated to the young men he served and touched many, many lives.  He also worked as a service writer for a car dealership in a very competitive and demanding industry.  In an effort to stay in business and meet customer demands, his employer exacted a steep and heavy price of its employees.  This price ultimately began to affect my father’s physical, emotional, and social well-being.  I remember my father coming home from work in a rather agitated state on a fairly consistent basis.

It came to a head one summer when my dad spent months organizing and planning a week long summer camp for his scouts.  This was no small effort and required months of planning and organization.  Despite a previous authorization for a vacation leave, my father’s employer advised him the Friday prior to his camp that he was to report to work and rescinded his vacation leave.  After careful consideration, he realized that the physical, emotional, and social price his employer had been exacting upon him was disproportionate to the value of his employment.  He decided to attend the camp and his work was terminated upon his return.

While I am not suggesting that employees should quit their job or breach commitments to employers, I am suggesting that employer-employee relationships are more than paychecks.  Employment and paychecks are means to an end, not necessarily the only means nor the only end.  When there are alternatives and the price exacted for a paycheck by an employer is excessive, it would behoove both to consider the alternatives.  Employees and their families must often sacrifice significantly in behalf of their employer and those sacrifices should be considered within the greater context of what is needful and required to maintain a healthy balance with person and family needs.

Interestingly upon being terminated my father bid farewell to many of his colleagues and co-workers.  As he did so, a gentleman waiting for his car to be repaired overheard his conversations.  He offered my father an interview and subsequently extended an offer of employment within a few miles of our home.  During that time, my parents continued to pay tithes and offerings to our Church and to serve diligently in their assignments.  Although I remember life wasn’t completely rosy and we had our challenges, I also remember some particular blessings that came our way.  The windows of heaven indeed opened as promised by the Old Testament prophet Malachi (Malachi 3:8-12).  Our needs were met, we were blessed, and my dad really loved his new job where he continued to work for the next 25+ years.

My dad balanced our temporal needs with other needs (spiritual, emotional, social).  He ended up with a very rewarding career for an organization that was a better fit for him.  He did not impoverish himself in those other dimensions to meet our basic temporal needs.  My parents exercised faith necessary by continuing to obey the law of tithing, thus maintaining spiritual self-reliance.  They did not bankrupt themselves in one vital important life dimension to meet their temporal needs.  I learned that while work and temporal needs are extremely important and necessary, there is indeed more to life than a paycheck from a very demanding employer.  That was an experience and lesson that money can’t buy.

Please “Like,” “Share,” and/or “Follow.”  Those are other things money can’t buy.   🙂

Why Am I Writing This?

My wife, Amy, is very supportive of my efforts to write.  In an effort to help me focus, she recently asked why I am writing this blog.  This post will explain and respond to her question.

Throughout high school and my freshman year of college I had plans to become an accountant.  Yet after a Mormon mission to Mexico, I felt to change majors in college and get into the helping professions.  Choosing to major in social work was a real leap of faith.  Social work is not typically a lucrative career and I wasn’t sure I could sustain a family on a social worker income.  Nevertheless, I went to see the college advisor and requested that he sign off on my change of major.  He looked and me with a smirk.  “So, you want to be poor the rest of your life do you?” he asked.  It gave me pause and made me question my feelings to change course in my studies.  Then a thought came, “God will provide.”  I took the leap of faith and have not looked back nor regretted it.

While not exactly living lucratively, I live within my means and am comfortable.  I consider myself a “wealthy guy in the things money can’t buy.”  I subsequently obtained a master’s degree in social work and I have dedicated over twenty years of my career to helping people find greater happiness.  It has also been my privilege to manage or supervise dozens of other therapists who have also dedicated their careers to counseling others.  It has been an honor to engage other professionals in leadership councils designed to cultivate talent and performance improvement in other professionals.  I have also had the blessing of serving as a bishop in two Latter-day Saint wards (congregations).  These experiences have helped me better understand what it means to be wealthy as well as in poverty in many different ways.  Wealth and poverty encompass many dimensions of one’s life.  Many, many people impoverished with problems as well as solid souls simply seeking self-improvement (by the way, those two populations often consist of the same people) have sought counsel with me in both professional and ecclesiastical roles.

This blog is intended to share some important things learned within those various roles as well as my life experience.  I will share several effective and enriching principles, patterns, and processes.  The blog will also caution and counter the materialistic philosophy that money is the primary answer to life’s challenges.

This blog is really about enrichment and wealth, but not necessarily about money.  It is about expanding the understanding of wealth to include things money cannot buy.  In a materialistic world that often defines a person’s value by their temporal prosperity, prestige, and prominence, this blog is intended to be an alternative and fresh perspective that will amplify awareness of your “net worth.”  This awareness will enable you to build upon and increase your net worth.  Your awareness of the simple truths of self-reliance will expand, thus promoting your development of gifts and talents that are hidden from a materialistic perspective.  You will have an increased ability to avoid traps that result in helplessness, hopelessness, isolation and despair.

Latter-day Saint wealth is more than money. If “the love of money is [indeed] the root all evil,” (1 Timothy 6:10) then ignorance of your existing wealth and the fear of “not enough” are seeds to that root.  Your wealth is both innate and developed through life experiences.  It is certainly not limited to what you find in your wallet and bank account.  In most certainly includes thing money can’t buy.

Please respond and share your own observations of things money can’t buy, share this blog with others, and/or follow the blog by clicking on the link at the top of this page.  Also, please take this simple 10 second survey and share something you believe money can’t buy.

“I need to be self-reliant…”

(Preface:  All persons referenced in the following examples have given their permission to share their stories.)

I currently serve as a Bishop in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  A few years ago, a wonderful family approached me for an interview.  They had been experiencing a great deal of adversity and properly sought assistance from their bishop.  We had a discussion about the principles of Church Welfare and emphasized the importance of self-reliance.  When I did so, I noticed an obvious change in the father’s countenance.  He simply said, “I get it.  I need to be self-reliant.”  The interview soon ended, and they politely excused themselves.  I could sense some discomfort and awkwardness.

I pondered and prayed about that interview for quite some time after that.  I couldn’t quite identify what the problem was in that interview.  We had discussed true principles that I had seen bless others, so what happened in this particular interview?  Something was wrong, and I couldn’t quite get my mind around it.  I wanted to help that family, both immediately as well as eternally.

Later while watching a session of the Church’s General Conference, I realized that when I discussed “self-reliance,” this good father heard, “Do it yourself.  You are on your own.”  I realized that for many, self-reliance is understood to mean just that: rely on yourself.  Self-reliance then seems to be a contradiction in terms.  After all, as King Benjamin (a well-known, beloved, and righteous king in the Book of Mormon) stated, “Are we not all beggars?  Do we not all depend upon the same Being, even God, for all the substance which we have, for both food and raiment, and for gold, and for silver, and for all the riches which we have of every kind?” (Mosiah 4:19)  During the two hour break between conference sessions, I immediately went to this family’s home and made sure they were aware that I was not saying, “do it yourself,” but that I wanted to help them in the Lord’s way.  We discussed the clumsy wording of “self-reliance” and what it might really mean.  We then discussed how to help address the family’s immediate and longer term needs.

That experience was a grueling couple of weeks as I sought to better understand self-reliance and helping others.  Yet it was a refiner’s fire that purified my understanding of self-reliance and Latter-day Saint wealth, things money can’t buy.  Thereafter I tried to figure out how to better and more accurately understand and communicate self-reliance.

I started by pondering what self-reliance is not:  the obvious answer is dependence.  I then pondered what others may misunderstand when I spoke of self-reliance.  They heard “independence:” Do it yourself.  Does it seem consistent with God’s plan for His children to be completely independent of Him and their fellow women and men?  It was then that I realized that while obvious that self-reliance is not dependence, it is also not independence.

I pondered on how spiritual, social, physical, intellectual, temporal and other sources of poverty often result from neglect or over-extending ourselves in some aspect of our lives.  Self-reliance is really about a healthy balance of all the dimensions of our life, not just money.  I also noticed that struggles with self-reliance often result from “pendulating,” going back and forth, between prideful independence (from God and others) and woeful dependence.  This is obvious in addictions when people want to do their own thing, only to find themselves relapsing to their state of dependency, “ever learning and never able to come to a knowledge of the truth.” (2 Timothy 3:7)

It was subsequently my privilege to discuss these lessons with colleagues and associates with whom I sat in leadership councils.  Later I had the privilege to teach these lessons learned, and one of those lessons was to the adults in my congregation.  About 18 months after sharing the lesson, I wondered if anyone remembered this lesson and our discussion on self-reliance.  I asked some of the participants to let me know if they remembered it and if so, what difference (if any) it made in their life.  Here are some of their inspiring responses:

1)      From a family whose son was diagnosed with leukemia shortly after the lesson:  “Of course we remember it!  It changed our life and perspective in every way.  We are able to endure and survive so much more effectively because of our knowledge and understanding of self-reliance.  Whenever I make a major decision, I stop and ponder how it will affect my family and everything else in my life; if it is really worth the price I am going to pay, not just the financial price.”

2)      From a young mother:  “I actually remember that discussion so it left an impression on me. I feel like it helped me to draw closer to my ward family (too bad that was right before we moved), and be looking for ways to help others as well as a greater willingness to ask for help when needed.”

3)      From a capable father of a young family of five children living in a three bedroom condominium:  “My wife and I are working very hard on self-reliance with money. We aren’t necessarily trying to get more of it though. We first had to decide what were GOOD goals. We want to pay for and own our home and have zero debts. But we are also trying to establish what are reasonable wants and needs. Do we need a huge home or could we use our money more wisely to serve missions, or give more to charity. Do we NEED all the latest gadgets or would the Lord prefer we put money into a ward member’s mission fund. We are working to try and see ourselves as stewards of the Lords property. We are by no means as generous as we should or want to be, but we are slowly steering our ship in that direction. That’s where we are with self-reliance.”

4)      From a faithful and solid sister who was affected by some boundary realignments in her ward (congregation):  “I read your post and thought I would share. The ward split has not been easy but if I had not been working toward self-reliance I think I would have stopped going to church. I had a bout of depression, and quit exercising and I know that sounds like it’s not that big of a deal, it was huge for me. I have worked hard and my depression has eased, I started exercising again and feel like I can serve the members of my ward better as well as The Lord.”

It is not difficult to see a “type” or model of the redeeming atonement of Jesus Christ in self-reliance.  The atonement indeed parallels principles of self-reliance.  We cannot independently redeem ourselves from sin and death, but need (and were provided with) a Savior.  As we accept Him and covenant to follow Him through our own Christian service, we truly become interdependent with Christ and our fellow men.  This is the ultimate definition of self-reliant wealth:  an abundance of talent and blessings made possible through the grace of Jesus Christ, as well as mutual giving and receiving.  Christ is indeed the model of self-reliant wealth, the things that money can’t buy.

The purpose of this blog is to help you find self-reliant wealth in a Christ-centered way.  You will note that the identified principles are not exclusive to Latter-day Saints as many friends of other faiths also practice and apply truths that bless their lives.  Nonetheless, the truths identified and discussed are found in the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, which encompasses all truth.  While directed toward the Latter-day Saint reader, it is written in such a way that you may want to share it with friends of other faiths who may be curious to know the source of your happiness and sense of well-being.

Prayerfully ponder and prepare to understand the BIG Secret to things money can’t buy.  It will be discussed in future posts.

What do you think about this?  Please share your thoughts and share this with others too.

Can’t Buy Me…

Can money buy love?  Can money buy happiness?  Maybe… not?

This blog is about personal wealth, but not necessarily about money.  Wealth is more than money.  You may be more wealthy than you think, or perhaps others are not as wealthy as you perceive.

Consider this example:  I had just completed graduate school in 1996 and was getting into living “in the real world.”  I was a few months into my first post-graduate job and learning a lot.  An important career lesson came from a professional athlete in my predominantly Latter-day Saint Community: John Stockton, point guard for the National Basketball Association’s Utah Jazz.

“Stock” is a legend in Utah where I grew up and where I was living at the time.  Although quite short according to NBA standards (“just” 6 feet tall), he is considered by most to be the greatest pure point guard to ever play the game.  He was a free agent that year, which means he could sell his services to the highest bidder in contract negotiations.  The Miami Heat offered him $10 million per year for four years.  Stock wanted to stay in lil’ ol’ Utah and accepted a three year contract for $15 million.  Why?  “I’m not leaving Utah.  If that turns around and bites me, then that’s the way it goes.  I like it here.  This is where I’m comfortable, my family’s comfortable, and I love the team and the coaches…It’d be kind of a joke for me to say, ‘Yeah, I’m going to check my options.’  I’m not.  For me to say I’d go play somewhere else would be a lie.  So why do it?”

He also asked rhetorically regarding the money issue:  “How much is enough?”

Stock knew there is more to life than a paycheck:  family, loyalty, relationships, balance, team interests, and perhaps most importantly integrity.  He refused to bankrupt his family to chase a larger contract.  His personal sacrifice of a bigger contract also enabled his team, the Utah Jazz, to afford other talented players.  His willingness to balance all the dimensions of his own life, to enable the balancing of others’ interests (specifically his family and team) and orientation toward continual growth is a great model to learn from.  Although not a Latter-day Saint, Stockton’s experience reflects the BIG Secret to Latter-day Saint wealth.  The results:  two consecutive NBA Western Conference Championships and trips to the NBA finals in 1997 and 1998.  John Stockton also finished his career as the NBA’s all-time leading leader in assists and steals.  The qualities that made him a self-reliant man also made one of the shortest guys in the league, a living legendary example of the BIG Secret.

Research suggests that money may help make you happy, but only up to a certain point:  the living comfortably level.  In a New York Times Op-Ed, Elizabeth Dunn and Michael Norton noted, “…additional income doesn’t buy us any additional happiness on a typical day once we reach that comfortable standard. The magic number that defines this “comfortable standard” varies across individuals and countries, but in the United States, it seems to fall somewhere around $75,000. Using Gallup data collected from almost half a million Americans, researchers at Princeton found that higher household incomes were associated with better moods on a daily basis — but the beneficial effects of money tapered off entirely after the $75,000 mark.”

There are many facets of wealth.  While many people associate wealth primarily with financial independence, there are many other less obvious dimensions: love, happiness, peace, fulfillment, friendship, health, intelligence, faith, family, memories, etc.  Wealth in the “things that money can’t buy” is often elusive or ignored.  Those things are not necessarily transacted with money.  They are often non-transferable.  Unbalanced efforts to achieve wealth in one important facet of our lives may bankrupt or impoverish other facets. For example, excessive preoccupation with something good (such as a career) may ultimately compromise something great (family relationships, health, integrity, and spirituality).  Indeed, wealth is more than money:

This blog is about increasing your net worth by discovering wealth in the things money can’t buy.  Future posts will present and discuss “The BIG Secret to Latter-day Saint Wealth.”  As you read and experience this blog, you will learn and apply the BIG Secret and discover “things money can’t buy.”

For now, ponder and post about the following:  In what non-monetary ways are you wealthy?  Ponder on these things for the next several days and pay attention to what happens to your thoughts, feelings, and life.  Please share and post your experience.